Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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