Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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