is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
