I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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