Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
