i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
