I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
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Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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