so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
