A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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