we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ladies don't puke and tell
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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