My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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