The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
