Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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