If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
