i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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