while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
the liver wants what the liver wants
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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