Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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