those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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