Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if only i could text you this smell
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
