quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
