Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
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Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
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I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My breasts were aching with rage.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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