I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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