I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
