just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
