I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my phone needs a breathalizer
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
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