it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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