When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
