In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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