is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
