I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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