but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
