There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
