____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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