I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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