I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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