Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
