I want to walk on stilts...naked
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
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You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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I need to wash the frat house off of me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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