Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
