I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
