we're blogging at a bar
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
