Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
