similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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