i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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