You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
