well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
