Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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