The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
