I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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