What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
