Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
