I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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