I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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