So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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