I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
