im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
pop tarts are not kleenex
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
