if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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