what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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