i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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