Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
