is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
