hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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