Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
